I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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