dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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