We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
