Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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