Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
