I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
