My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
