oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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