The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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