Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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