now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
