So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
