I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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