Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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