Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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