get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Drunk is a universal language darling
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