my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize