I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You smell like stripper and shame
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
