Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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