I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
