Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
