Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
