If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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