I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
