Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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