Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
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