just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
