hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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