In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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