dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
