Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
