I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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