the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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