"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
jump out the window naked night went bad
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