Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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