what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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