??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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