If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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