If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
