a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
