Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
