the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
