If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
