I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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