Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize