At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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