Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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