I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
