I wish my penis had an off switch
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
