i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Redeem this text for a blowjob
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
