he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
