Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
