I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
