Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
even my farts smell like vagina
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
