The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
