I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
