Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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