Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
