First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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