we made out on top of his cat.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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