She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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