I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
