First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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