Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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