im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Randomize
