its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
