I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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